Frankly, it sometimes starts as just a feeling that something is off
with your husband. And, sometimes, you feel crazy or paranoid. Some
faithful spouses are completely caught off guard by the cheating, but
many find out because they set out to do just that. They just feel in
their gut that something is off so they go investigating a little
further until their worst fears are realized. But when they finally have
that confirmation that they've been dreading, they have no idea how to
proceed.
In this situation, typical comments are things like: "I
didn't want to believe that my spouse was cheating. I had the suspicions
for a long time before I ever acted on them. Finally, I decided what
would be the harm if I checked the message history on his phone. And
once I read one text, I couldn't stop. Although the content of the texts
made me sick, I kept reading. I didn't do anything that night and I
don't know how I got through that evening. But the next time, I checked
texts and emails. And there was no doubt that he had been cheating on me
for about two months. It's obvious. It's real. And now I don't know
what to do about it. If I confront my husband, I actually have to deal
with this. Things are going to get so ugly. I'm going to lash out at him
and he's going to be furious that I was snooping. As crazy as this
sounds, part of me just wants to see if this is going to run its course.
Part of me wants to pretend that I don't know, monitor him, and then
keep an eye on the texts to see if it ends on its own. I know that's
cowardly of me but I hate conflict. And I don't want to end my marriage.
I feel as if I let this cat out of the bag, my marriage might end. What
do most people do when they finally know for sure that their spouse is
cheating."
There are actually a variety of reaction and
strategies once you're sure that your spouse is cheating. Some people,
like this wife, wait a little while to formulate a strategy. Others are
so angry that they confront their spouse immediately. Still others will
wait until they have absolute proof because they don't want for their
spouse to even attempt to deny what they already know. And still others
will pretend that they've made this discovery and hope that it passes.
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My Spouse Is Paranoid That I'll Cheat Just To Get Back At Him
I often hear from spouses who are dealing with one additional and
unexpected problem that stemmed from their spouse's affair. The cheating
spouse is now afraid and paranoid that the faithful spouse is going to
cheat in retaliation or because she's no longer as committed to the
marriage as she once was. The faithful spouse often has no intention
whatsoever of cheating. In fact, cheating is actually less likely
because she sees just how much damage can be done. But she's often
having a very hard time of convincing her husband of the same.
You might hear a comment like: "I've never cheated on anyone in my life. And I never would. If I was that unhappy in a relationship, then I would end it. But I'd never cheat on someone who I loved. My husband doesn't understand this. Yes, I'm furious about his affair. Yes, I have doubts about my marriage. But he thinks that this means that I am going to cheat on him. And he can't stand the thought of that, which is very hypocritical of him because I'm having to go through this recovery and yet he is telling me that he could never even face the recovery. I have been at my job for a very long time and I have always been close with many male coworkers. This is not anything new. I've been going out with the same group of people on Friday nights for multiple years and it has never been a problem. But now apparently it is. Because now my husband is totally paranoid that I am going to cheat on him. I am not going to do that. I might decide to end my marriage because of his affair. But I wouldn't begin a relationship with a new man before I ended my marriage. No matter what I say or do, I can't get my husband to believe this. And this is affecting our ability to save our marriage because I am so annoyed by his accusations and suspicions. I haven't done anything wrong and I have no intention of cheating. I think that cheaters are weak people who are lacking in integrity and I definitely do not fall into this category. How do I get him to accept this?"
I know that this is a very difficult situation, but it's also a very common one. The cheating spouse often is well aware that you might feel justified in cheating. It would allow for him to see how it feels to be cheated on and it would also confirm to you that you are still attractive and desirable. I know that there are many people who are clear on the fact that they would never cheat on their spouse even in retaliation (I am one of those people,) but I have to tell you that I get a lot of correspondence on my blog from people who are tempted to cheat in retaliation even when they swore that they would never do this before. So, honestly, your spouse isn't completely off base with this. It's quite common for the faithful spouse to be tempted to cheat.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/7689785
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You might hear a comment like: "I've never cheated on anyone in my life. And I never would. If I was that unhappy in a relationship, then I would end it. But I'd never cheat on someone who I loved. My husband doesn't understand this. Yes, I'm furious about his affair. Yes, I have doubts about my marriage. But he thinks that this means that I am going to cheat on him. And he can't stand the thought of that, which is very hypocritical of him because I'm having to go through this recovery and yet he is telling me that he could never even face the recovery. I have been at my job for a very long time and I have always been close with many male coworkers. This is not anything new. I've been going out with the same group of people on Friday nights for multiple years and it has never been a problem. But now apparently it is. Because now my husband is totally paranoid that I am going to cheat on him. I am not going to do that. I might decide to end my marriage because of his affair. But I wouldn't begin a relationship with a new man before I ended my marriage. No matter what I say or do, I can't get my husband to believe this. And this is affecting our ability to save our marriage because I am so annoyed by his accusations and suspicions. I haven't done anything wrong and I have no intention of cheating. I think that cheaters are weak people who are lacking in integrity and I definitely do not fall into this category. How do I get him to accept this?"
I know that this is a very difficult situation, but it's also a very common one. The cheating spouse often is well aware that you might feel justified in cheating. It would allow for him to see how it feels to be cheated on and it would also confirm to you that you are still attractive and desirable. I know that there are many people who are clear on the fact that they would never cheat on their spouse even in retaliation (I am one of those people,) but I have to tell you that I get a lot of correspondence on my blog from people who are tempted to cheat in retaliation even when they swore that they would never do this before. So, honestly, your spouse isn't completely off base with this. It's quite common for the faithful spouse to be tempted to cheat.
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I'm Worried I'm Spending Way Too Much Time Trying To Fix My Marriage After My Spouse's Affair
I sometimes hear from people who aren't sure if they are taking too much
time to see any progress with their marriage after an affair has
damaged it. Often, people become impatient when they don't yet see the
progress that they had hoped for. Many worry that the lack of progress
after so much time means that their marriage can't be efficiently saved.
You might hear a comment like: "it's been eighteen months since my husband had an affair. And we have been struggling to save our marriage for that entire time. Some days I feel that we are making a little progress, but then a few days later, I begin to wonder if we are making any real progress at all. I never would have believed after this much time I would still feel so much doubt and pain. We have been seeing a counselor, but I don't feel as if she is doing any good. She doesn't seem to be very sympathetic to me. And I don't respect her opinion as much as I should. I'm starting to think that my marriage might be over because too much time has passed without seeing any real recovery. I'm starting to think that trying to save this marriage just isn't reasonable any more. I do still love my husband and in a perfect world, I would like to save my marriage. But I am tired of feeling insecure and angry all of the time. I am tired of always being suspicious and I know that my husband is extremely tired of this also. I feel like I'm starting to invest too much time in something that is just never going to get any better. How much time should you invest in your marriage after an affair?"
In my honest opinion, I'm not sure that there is any set time frame. It's going to depend upon your marriage and both spouse's willingness to hang in there. With this said, of course you want to see progress for all of your hard work because it's extremely hard to hang in there when things aren't getting any better.
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You might hear a comment like: "it's been eighteen months since my husband had an affair. And we have been struggling to save our marriage for that entire time. Some days I feel that we are making a little progress, but then a few days later, I begin to wonder if we are making any real progress at all. I never would have believed after this much time I would still feel so much doubt and pain. We have been seeing a counselor, but I don't feel as if she is doing any good. She doesn't seem to be very sympathetic to me. And I don't respect her opinion as much as I should. I'm starting to think that my marriage might be over because too much time has passed without seeing any real recovery. I'm starting to think that trying to save this marriage just isn't reasonable any more. I do still love my husband and in a perfect world, I would like to save my marriage. But I am tired of feeling insecure and angry all of the time. I am tired of always being suspicious and I know that my husband is extremely tired of this also. I feel like I'm starting to invest too much time in something that is just never going to get any better. How much time should you invest in your marriage after an affair?"
In my honest opinion, I'm not sure that there is any set time frame. It's going to depend upon your marriage and both spouse's willingness to hang in there. With this said, of course you want to see progress for all of your hard work because it's extremely hard to hang in there when things aren't getting any better.
In my own experience, I'd see some progress and then I'd start to feel some hope and then I might have some bad days so that I'd take a couple of steps backward. And yes, that was discouraging. I did change counselors at one point and I did experiment with various forms of self help. It was frustrating when things didn't work and uplifting when things did. But no, things didn't always improve as quickly as I wanted.
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Is It Still An Affair If Your Marriage Is Just A Formality?
I sometimes hear from people who are desperately trying to come up with legitimate reasons to explain away having an affair.
Sometimes, this request comes from the "other woman" or the "other man" in an affair. Quite understandably, no one wants to be seen as a home wrecker and no one wants to think that they ruined a decent and loving marriage.
You might hear a comment like: "I knew that the man with whom I've been having an affair is married. But I also know that their marriage is dead. I know that they don't ever have sex and I know that his wife doesn't love him and takes him for granted. I know that he has repeatedly asked her for a divorce, which she refuses. Honestly, their marriage is in name only. That's not to say that I don't feel guilty for having a relationship with a married man, but I don't really see this as a full blown affair. I truly don't. Because I firmly believe that their marriage is in name only. Is it still an affair when the marriage is only a formality at this point?"
I'll tell you my opinion on this a little later, but before I do, I'd like to state that sometimes, this concern comes from the cheating spouse. Often, they feel a bit justified in their cheating because the marriage isn't completely satisfying and they no longer feel involved or engaged with the marriage.
You might hear something like: "my wife and I haven't really been in love for the past five years. We still occasionally have sex, but it isn't meaningful for either of us. It's certainly not good or exciting sex. My wife probably knows that I'm only staying in the marriage because of my kids and because of money. It's not a real marriage. And that's why I feel that what I'm doing isn't really cheating. I truly love the other woman. I'd like to create a future with her. So is cheating really so horrible if your marriage is dead and there's nothing left?"
Before I answer, I have to tell you that I'm only giving you the opinion of a non objective wife who has been cheated on. So to be fair, if you're looking for justification for cheating, you're not going to find it in this article. I'm not trying to imply that people who cheat are awful people or that they purposely set out to destroy marriages or to hurt other people. Because I truly don't believe this in most cases.
However, with this said, I don't think that it is ever OK to cheat or have an affair. I understand that your marriage may be awful and not fulfilling. I understand that you may feel as if there is truly nothing left. I get that you might feel as if the other person is your soul mate or the perfect fit for you and that this opportunity may not ever come around again.
But here's something that you may not know or may not have considered. Almost always, if you were to ask the faithful spouse if she felt betrayed, even considering the state of her marriage, she would say yes. She wouldn't tell you that she felt her marriage was dead. She would be more likely to tell you that she knew it had problems but she didn't expect for her husband to cheat on her. And, there are two versions of every marriage. Quite often, the faithful spouse doesn't see things in the same way as the cheating spouse.
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Sometimes, this request comes from the "other woman" or the "other man" in an affair. Quite understandably, no one wants to be seen as a home wrecker and no one wants to think that they ruined a decent and loving marriage.
You might hear a comment like: "I knew that the man with whom I've been having an affair is married. But I also know that their marriage is dead. I know that they don't ever have sex and I know that his wife doesn't love him and takes him for granted. I know that he has repeatedly asked her for a divorce, which she refuses. Honestly, their marriage is in name only. That's not to say that I don't feel guilty for having a relationship with a married man, but I don't really see this as a full blown affair. I truly don't. Because I firmly believe that their marriage is in name only. Is it still an affair when the marriage is only a formality at this point?"
I'll tell you my opinion on this a little later, but before I do, I'd like to state that sometimes, this concern comes from the cheating spouse. Often, they feel a bit justified in their cheating because the marriage isn't completely satisfying and they no longer feel involved or engaged with the marriage.
You might hear something like: "my wife and I haven't really been in love for the past five years. We still occasionally have sex, but it isn't meaningful for either of us. It's certainly not good or exciting sex. My wife probably knows that I'm only staying in the marriage because of my kids and because of money. It's not a real marriage. And that's why I feel that what I'm doing isn't really cheating. I truly love the other woman. I'd like to create a future with her. So is cheating really so horrible if your marriage is dead and there's nothing left?"
Before I answer, I have to tell you that I'm only giving you the opinion of a non objective wife who has been cheated on. So to be fair, if you're looking for justification for cheating, you're not going to find it in this article. I'm not trying to imply that people who cheat are awful people or that they purposely set out to destroy marriages or to hurt other people. Because I truly don't believe this in most cases.
However, with this said, I don't think that it is ever OK to cheat or have an affair. I understand that your marriage may be awful and not fulfilling. I understand that you may feel as if there is truly nothing left. I get that you might feel as if the other person is your soul mate or the perfect fit for you and that this opportunity may not ever come around again.
But here's something that you may not know or may not have considered. Almost always, if you were to ask the faithful spouse if she felt betrayed, even considering the state of her marriage, she would say yes. She wouldn't tell you that she felt her marriage was dead. She would be more likely to tell you that she knew it had problems but she didn't expect for her husband to cheat on her. And, there are two versions of every marriage. Quite often, the faithful spouse doesn't see things in the same way as the cheating spouse.
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Infidelity - Who, After Looking in the Mirror, Will Cast the First Stone?
Fall leaves in north eastern USA trickle to the ground. The oak tree
provided great shade in the summer and beauty in autumn for the small
business Tara operates in her home. The colorful display lifts her
saddened heart bringing praise to her lips but each time she addresses
the God she loves, she feels a twinge of guilt. Lately, everything she
hears or reads brings conviction and confusion. As the children in her
day care shuffle through the newly fallen natural entertainment, she
remembers one of the songs they'd been learning earlier that morning.
Obedience is the very best way to show that you believe. Is she
disobeying God, she wonders.
The night before while cleaning up the day care she listened to Christian radio. Three broadcasts in a row seemed to have specific messages just for her. Even one children's story was about cleaning out the things that clutter our hearts as well as our closets. But more direct was God's call to forgive those who want to harm us and love those who persecute us. Now she wonders if her fellowship with God is hindered by her constant repetitive prayer.
God, please don't ask me to be reconciled with my unfaithful husband. Even now after her enjoyment of his creation, her expression of praise is followed by the same request. The children began a new game and she smiled at their ability to entertain themselves while she continues to silently converse with her inaudible friend. Is it possible that you want me to be reconciled with him, Lord? I know I must forgive but does that mean actually living together again. Maybe I'm wrong and rather than an urging from you it's just my strong guilt complexes about divorce speaking. Could you expect me to live with this ungodly man who claims to be your child and has preached to others from the pulpit? You know his heart and you know more of the evil he has done than I. It's not just the adultery. He's destroying my health. Don't you want me to protect my body from all this stress? I've ground my teeth to powder until they've had to be dug out of my head.
How can this yard be so quiet, she thinks to herself. Such silence she had to flash her eyes back to the children to be certain they were still fenced-in with her. Then the breeze blew again and more leaves swirled. She listened to the voice that could only be heard in her mind. Just four words: For ALL have sinned (Romans 3:23).
Silence. Yes, God, I know I have sinned also. I'm not perfect but... but... no; I can't argue with you, God.
Tara, you are not perfect. I've declared this verse and it includes you. Have you ever had an unclean thought about another man, my dear child? Remember the words of my Son to the accusers of a woman in their town? "Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her" Have you read the list of sins in Proverbs? Gossip is listed with adultery and murder.
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The night before while cleaning up the day care she listened to Christian radio. Three broadcasts in a row seemed to have specific messages just for her. Even one children's story was about cleaning out the things that clutter our hearts as well as our closets. But more direct was God's call to forgive those who want to harm us and love those who persecute us. Now she wonders if her fellowship with God is hindered by her constant repetitive prayer.
God, please don't ask me to be reconciled with my unfaithful husband. Even now after her enjoyment of his creation, her expression of praise is followed by the same request. The children began a new game and she smiled at their ability to entertain themselves while she continues to silently converse with her inaudible friend. Is it possible that you want me to be reconciled with him, Lord? I know I must forgive but does that mean actually living together again. Maybe I'm wrong and rather than an urging from you it's just my strong guilt complexes about divorce speaking. Could you expect me to live with this ungodly man who claims to be your child and has preached to others from the pulpit? You know his heart and you know more of the evil he has done than I. It's not just the adultery. He's destroying my health. Don't you want me to protect my body from all this stress? I've ground my teeth to powder until they've had to be dug out of my head.
How can this yard be so quiet, she thinks to herself. Such silence she had to flash her eyes back to the children to be certain they were still fenced-in with her. Then the breeze blew again and more leaves swirled. She listened to the voice that could only be heard in her mind. Just four words: For ALL have sinned (Romans 3:23).
Silence. Yes, God, I know I have sinned also. I'm not perfect but... but... no; I can't argue with you, God.
Tara, you are not perfect. I've declared this verse and it includes you. Have you ever had an unclean thought about another man, my dear child? Remember the words of my Son to the accusers of a woman in their town? "Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her" Have you read the list of sins in Proverbs? Gossip is listed with adultery and murder.
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Is It Possible For A Man To Only Have One Affair During His Whole Life?
I often hear from wives who are just beginning to attempt to come to
terms with their husband's affair. Often, they are at the stage where
they are trying to determine if they can ever trust their husband again
and, if so, if this means that they are going to choose to attempt to
save their marriage. And often, one very big concern that they have is
whether or not their spouse is ever going to cheat again. They wonder if
one episode of cheating means that he won't ever be faithful or if he
will continue to have more affairs.
An example of the type of comment that I might hear is something like: "my husband had an affair a couple of months ago. We've been to counseling. He seems very remorseful. I truly would like to improve our marriage so that we are able to reconcile and stay together. I still love him and we have children. But I am so afraid that he will cheat again. I do not know if I could go through this another time. And I know that if he betrayed me again, I could never continue to live with him. So part of me thinks that if I still with him, I am just delaying the inevitable. My mother says that once a man cheats on you, he's shown you who he really is and that he will never be able to be faithful again. She says that very few men don't have another affair. However, our counselor has given us hope that this just isn't true. She feels that with some work, my husband can be rehabilitated and will be faithful for the long haul. Who is right?"
My opinion isn't based on my being an expert. I have to make that clear. I'm not a counselor, but I do have an opinion on this based on my own life experiences and from the couples who leave comments on my blog. I believe that the answer to this question is that it depends on many factors. Both scenarios are possible.
I have seen men promise not to cheat on their wives and literally say that they would rather jump in front of a speeding bus than cheat again. And yet, years down the road, they are dealing with yet another infidelity even though they meant their words when they were promising to be faithful.
I've also seen men who cheated once turn out to be completely faithful, loyal, and loving husbands for the rest of their lives. Some would say that the difference is that perhaps the faithful man never met another woman with whom he wanted to cheat, so he remained faithful sort of by default. I don't believe this for a minute. I believe that the husbands who turn out to cheat once and to never cheat again are the husbands who learn better impulse control, learn to not place themselves in tempting positions, and learn to communicate with their wife in more efficient ways so that their marriage isn't left vulnerable.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/7706190
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An example of the type of comment that I might hear is something like: "my husband had an affair a couple of months ago. We've been to counseling. He seems very remorseful. I truly would like to improve our marriage so that we are able to reconcile and stay together. I still love him and we have children. But I am so afraid that he will cheat again. I do not know if I could go through this another time. And I know that if he betrayed me again, I could never continue to live with him. So part of me thinks that if I still with him, I am just delaying the inevitable. My mother says that once a man cheats on you, he's shown you who he really is and that he will never be able to be faithful again. She says that very few men don't have another affair. However, our counselor has given us hope that this just isn't true. She feels that with some work, my husband can be rehabilitated and will be faithful for the long haul. Who is right?"
My opinion isn't based on my being an expert. I have to make that clear. I'm not a counselor, but I do have an opinion on this based on my own life experiences and from the couples who leave comments on my blog. I believe that the answer to this question is that it depends on many factors. Both scenarios are possible.
I have seen men promise not to cheat on their wives and literally say that they would rather jump in front of a speeding bus than cheat again. And yet, years down the road, they are dealing with yet another infidelity even though they meant their words when they were promising to be faithful.
I've also seen men who cheated once turn out to be completely faithful, loyal, and loving husbands for the rest of their lives. Some would say that the difference is that perhaps the faithful man never met another woman with whom he wanted to cheat, so he remained faithful sort of by default. I don't believe this for a minute. I believe that the husbands who turn out to cheat once and to never cheat again are the husbands who learn better impulse control, learn to not place themselves in tempting positions, and learn to communicate with their wife in more efficient ways so that their marriage isn't left vulnerable.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/7706190
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Cheating Wife: How to Know If Your Wife Is Cheating on You?
How to know if your spouse is cheating on you?
Cheating Wife:
Nothing rocks a relationship more than infidelity. Whether it is emotional or physical, it is equally traumatic for the partner who is at the receiving end of infidelity from a partner. If you are careful, you can recognize these signs of cheating remarkably easily. When you have lived with someone for some time, you become exceedingly well attuned to his or her habits and patterns. So, does that mean any deviation can be assumed as signs of cheating? No, not really; however, there are certain tell tale signs of women who cheat and you can detect these signs of a cheating spouse by noticing a change in their behavior pattern.
The first sign that you should look out for is the change in the pattern of phone calls. It would include the frequency, time, tone and volume that she is talking on. Make an effort to notice if her voice drops down to almost a whisper, especially at odd hours and she is using texting like never before. It could also be that she is flirting on the phone as it happens in the early days of a relationship. If all or some of this is happening with your wife, then there is a chance that she is one of those women who cheat.
Is she spending more and more time out of the house with her girlfriends? Are there suddenly new friends on the horizon? And when you ask her about her whereabouts does she sound convincing? If any of these sounds familiar, then you should brace yourself as you might be facing a cheating spouse sooner than later.
Is she paying more attention to her physical appearance than ever before? Is there a renewed interest in exercising? Are there frequent trips to the gym? Is she coming home freshly showered more often than not? There is a chance that she is going to the gym to remain fit, or it could be that this renewed interest in fitness is to impress the new guy in her life and the showers that she is taking are probably after a passionate session in bed.
Look out for the obvious signs of cheating like her avoiding eye contact with you or her over eagerness in pleasing you. The smell of different cologne on her and her vagueness in answering your questions are evident signs of a cheating spouse, and you should not ignore them.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/7941710
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Cheating Wife:
Nothing rocks a relationship more than infidelity. Whether it is emotional or physical, it is equally traumatic for the partner who is at the receiving end of infidelity from a partner. If you are careful, you can recognize these signs of cheating remarkably easily. When you have lived with someone for some time, you become exceedingly well attuned to his or her habits and patterns. So, does that mean any deviation can be assumed as signs of cheating? No, not really; however, there are certain tell tale signs of women who cheat and you can detect these signs of a cheating spouse by noticing a change in their behavior pattern.
The first sign that you should look out for is the change in the pattern of phone calls. It would include the frequency, time, tone and volume that she is talking on. Make an effort to notice if her voice drops down to almost a whisper, especially at odd hours and she is using texting like never before. It could also be that she is flirting on the phone as it happens in the early days of a relationship. If all or some of this is happening with your wife, then there is a chance that she is one of those women who cheat.
Is she spending more and more time out of the house with her girlfriends? Are there suddenly new friends on the horizon? And when you ask her about her whereabouts does she sound convincing? If any of these sounds familiar, then you should brace yourself as you might be facing a cheating spouse sooner than later.
Is she paying more attention to her physical appearance than ever before? Is there a renewed interest in exercising? Are there frequent trips to the gym? Is she coming home freshly showered more often than not? There is a chance that she is going to the gym to remain fit, or it could be that this renewed interest in fitness is to impress the new guy in her life and the showers that she is taking are probably after a passionate session in bed.
Look out for the obvious signs of cheating like her avoiding eye contact with you or her over eagerness in pleasing you. The smell of different cologne on her and her vagueness in answering your questions are evident signs of a cheating spouse, and you should not ignore them.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/7941710
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