I sometimes hear from people who aren't sure if they are taking too much
time to see any progress with their marriage after an affair has
damaged it. Often, people become impatient when they don't yet see the
progress that they had hoped for. Many worry that the lack of progress
after so much time means that their marriage can't be efficiently saved.
You
might hear a comment like: "it's been eighteen months since my husband
had an affair. And we have been struggling to save our marriage for that
entire time. Some days I feel that we are making a little progress, but
then a few days later, I begin to wonder if we are making any real
progress at all. I never would have believed after this much time I
would still feel so much doubt and pain. We have been seeing a
counselor, but I don't feel as if she is doing any good. She doesn't
seem to be very sympathetic to me. And I don't respect her opinion as
much as I should. I'm starting to think that my marriage might be over
because too much time has passed without seeing any real recovery. I'm
starting to think that trying to save this marriage just isn't
reasonable any more. I do still love my husband and in a perfect world, I
would like to save my marriage. But I am tired of feeling insecure and
angry all of the time. I am tired of always being suspicious and I know
that my husband is extremely tired of this also. I feel like I'm
starting to invest too much time in something that is just never going
to get any better. How much time should you invest in your marriage
after an affair?"
In my honest opinion, I'm not sure that there
is any set time frame. It's going to depend upon your marriage and both
spouse's willingness to hang in there. With this said, of course you
want to see progress for all of your hard work because it's extremely
hard to hang in there when things aren't getting any better.
In
my own experience, I'd see some progress and then I'd start to feel some
hope and then I might have some bad days so that I'd take a couple of
steps backward. And yes, that was discouraging. I did change counselors
at one point and I did experiment with various forms of self help. It
was frustrating when things didn't work and uplifting when things did.
But no, things didn't always improve as quickly as I wanted.
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